Payne, Clooney, 'The Descendants'

Stepping out in the right direction
Filmmaker getting to know Honolulu as he prepares to shoot Clooney in 'The Descendants'

By Mike Gordon
Advertiser Staff Writer

Drive through the streets of Honolulu long enough and everything interesting disappears. It's a commute, a trip to the grocery store, the mindless journey you know by heart.

But cast a fresh eye upon the landscape and even the potholes beckon with the possibility of untold stories. The soul of the city becomes electric, inviting.

Alexander Payne, the Oscar-winning filmmaker who brought the Santa Barbara wine country to life in "Sideways," sees it that way.

He's looking at Honolulu with all the joy of a new romance as he prepares to direct "The Descendants," a story of a fractured wealthy family set in contemporary Hawai'i. Ever since August, when he started spending time in Honolulu, Payne has sought to capture its sense of place.

"It's what I do," he said. "I like to say that I have a documentary approach to fiction filmmaking. So I have to get to know a place before I can shoot it. I won't shoot a place where I don't know what I'm doing."

"The Descendants" is based on the acclaimed first novel by local author Kaui Hart Hemmings. It's the story of attorney Matt King, a descendant of a 19th-century Hawaiian princess and a haole banker who finds himself dealing with a mounting family crisis.

The 34-year-old Hemmings, herself a product of Hawaiian and missionary stock, created a slice of Hawai'i rarely written about. The story of her main character is one rooted in universal themes of power, entitlement and conflict.

King, one of the state's largest landowners, must somehow deal with the reality that his comatose wife is about to die from a brain injury — and that she was also having an affair. At the same time, he is also trying to re-connect with his two rebellious daughters and negotiate the sale of his family's extensive land holdings.

George Clooney will star as King, and the director feels he will make a believable kama'āina. He called Clooney perfect for the part.

"I don't care so much about his big movie-star status," Payne said. "What I see is an actor who is still growing and learning and expanding, and he's in his prime." cont...



Filming is scheduled to start in mid-March.

Payne loves the story, partly because it will give him a chance to put Honolulu on the silver screen. The fact that the city hasn't figured prominently in films surprised him, he said, because "it's so full of life."

"I like just walking down King Street," said Payne, who calls both Los Angeles and Omaha home. "Everything in the world is on King Street. I love how one of the most expensive restaurants in town is right next to a super cheap hole in the wall. Next to a barber shop, next to a coffee shop."

"The Descendants" is Payne's first directorial effort since "Sideways." Released in 2004, "Sideways" earned him an Academy Award for best adapted screenplay.

"I feel lucky to have found a movie idea I want to do," said Payne, who turned 49 last week. "The hardest thing as a filmmaker is finding an idea worth seeing through the arduous process of making a movie."

Payne has a fascination with dysfunctional, sometimes lonely characters. Their stories, as well as their towns they inhabit, have served him well.

He examined high school politics and cheating spouses in "Election," growing old in "About Schmidt" and rejected and failed hopes in "Sideways."

Payne's co-producer on "The Descendants" is business partner Jim Burke, who found the story instantly appealing because of the way it made him feel.

"I laughed at times," he said. "My heart was breaking at times. I connected to it personally."

Burke, who is 50, was amazed that Hemmings could write about a middle-aged man and do so with genius and authority. He thinks audiences will identify with some of the emotional struggles in "The Descendants."

"I definitely think this is a human tale that has some relation to the way many of us experience life," he said. "At its core this is a story of a small family, a father and his two daughters. It's a story of an awakening, small and subtle, of a man."

He hopes the film will capture what it's like to live in Hawai'i, even though its central characters belong to the wealthy elite.

"I think it will be exhilarating and I think it will be fresh," Burke said. "As Kaui writes in the book, people think of Hawai'i as paradise and sunshine and surfing and things like that. But we have cancer and we have good days and bad days like all the rest."

The story as described in the novel does run counter to what some consider local literature. But Hemmings, who grew up here and lives in Maunawili with her husband and young daughter, has commented that she never meant it to be anything more than a story set in the Islands.

Author Chris McKinney, whose novels about Hawai'i have explored the gritty world of drugs, strip bars and gambling, said "The Descendants" has a universal quality; it could easily take place, for example, on Martha's Vineyard.

"Normally, the local-ness, or the Hawaiian-ness, is unmistakable," said McKinney, who likes the story. "Issues, props, nature, and language that are uniquely Hawai'i often preoccupy the writer, maybe sometimes to a fault. Plot and conflict can get lost in all that. Hemmings swung the other way. Hawai'i in this book is just a backdrop to these American characters' lives."

But the backdrop will lend credibility to the story, make it real, Payne said.

"The Descendants" could be set anywhere, but becomes more "idiosyncratic and interesting" because of its setting in Honolulu, he said.

"I like things rooted in a particular reality," he said. "Sometimes, the more particular something is, the more universal it is. It's hard to relate to movies that are Anytown, U.S.A. and you don't know where it is."

Immersing himself in Matt King's world has been a lot of fun, said Payne, who finds himself apologizing for sometimes sounding like a public relations firm for Honolulu. He's been here full time since January, renting a place in Mānoa and getting a Hawai'i driver's license, too.

"Hawai'i is a real special place," he said. "I'm having a great, relaxing time making this film. It has good mana."

Reach Mike Gordon at mgordon@honoluluadvertiser.com.

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Rerun of Happy Valentine's Brazilian

Within one minute of meeting my waxer I am on a bed, naked from the waist down and her hand is on my vagina. I'm trying to think of something to say, but all that comes to mind is: "So, have you seen any good ones lately?"
She runs over my little remark with remarks of her own: who she knows and who she waxes, and I don't really like this. Isn't there some kind of client-waxer priviledge? I was here for a bikini wax, but for some reason agreed to do a Brazillian becasue she said, "That's what most of my clients do," and I figure, since it's Valentine's Day and all, I may as well go for the gold.
She pours the burning wax onto my skin. Holy fuck face. Then she places a strip on my (god I hate this word) labia and pulls then puts her hand on the spot to soothe it or something. Holy Kelly Clarkson why the fuck do people regularly subject themselves to this? I regret my decision. I want to go home. But it's too late of course. I can't walk out like this--I'd look like I had mange.

Why-oh-why have I done this? Valentines shmalentines. Andy would have sex with me if I hadn't bathed in a week so it's not like I need to spruce it up. In fact, I should probably do the opposite--I should request a reverse Brazillian. Would that be a Portugee? I mean, I know if you want to sell the house, you’ve got to mow the lawn, but the house has been sold.

"Should I keep a strip, a triangle, or take it all off?" she asks.
"Take it all," I whimper, not becasue I'm stoic or anything, but because I don't get the little landing strip thing. Can you imagine if we shaved our armpits, but left a strip of hair. Or shaved our legs but left a hairy triangle?

Before I came here, I asked the girls, "Why do people get this done?"
"To feel cleaner," D said.
"But isn't it pubic hair's job to keep things out, in essence, to keep things clean?"
"It's like getting a haircut or hightlights," she said. "You're taking care of yourself."
T said: "My hairdresser doesn't tell me to hold my butt cheek while she waxes my asshole."
"You do it for guys," D said. "They like it the same reason they like you to swallow. It's porno. It's that special thing. They like it 'casue they know we don't."

How romantic. The waxer takes another pull from the top. Tears well in my eyes. I don't like it one bit. It truly hurts and I don't get why I've agreed to let this stranger touch and hurt me so. What is the reward? I will never be a kinky sort of person. I will never do this again.

"You're doing really well," my "stylist" says then tells me about her last two clients. One yelled, "mother fucker" after each tug. One prayed. I can just hear it: Please Lord, give me the strengh to withstand the pain of hair being pulled off of my privates so that I can go forth unto this day with a clean, porno va jj. Thank you, Lord."

Finally, I'm done. I suppose I'll have to pay her for this pain. She tells me to be sure to exfoliate. I don't want to look, but I take a quick peek and am horrified. It looks like Mr. Bigglesworth. I hate it! I hate my vagina!

I get used to it, however. Throughout the day, I feel like I have a kind of secret and when I'm home I can't stop looking at it. My preschooler does a double take when I get into the shower. "Huh?" she says, but that's all she says about it, and I'm glad she doesn't say, "It looks like mine," because that would be creepy.

T went and got one, too, after we talked about how ridiculous it was. I asked her what her husband thought.
"He said it looked so cold," she said and then she told me what her waxer (same girl) told her: how she was doing well, how the last girl yelled mother fucker after each tug and that she prayed.

Bitch. That's what she told me, but I really wasn't that upset. We were on the beach, not a care in the world since are pubes were gone. "Hopefully our husbands won't return the favor for our Valentines' present," I said.

"Yeah, but a little trim wouldn't hurt."

"No kidding--why is it okay for men to have hair sprouting from their asses like a bouquet of ferns?"

"Just the way it goes," T said.

Anyway, I sacrificed, I endured, and in this economy I got my husband the bare minimum.


Bonus Material:

Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Vagina
Mani/Pedi Guilt

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Casting News

From Variety:

Shailene Woodley will join George Clooney in Alexander Payne's next pic, "The Descendants."
Based on the novel by Kaui Hart Hemmings, film revolves around an attorney, to be played by Clooney, who is forced to get closer to his daughters after a family tragedy. Woodley will play the oldest daughter.

Woodley can be seen on ABC Family skein "The Secret Life of the American Teenager."


Yey.

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I, too, giggle at The Heart is a Lonely Hunter

A brilliant essay by Eric Puchner in Glimmer Train. In it he asks, "What makes a good title? What makes a bad one? And how do you know when you've found the right one?" You really need to read the whole essay. Puchner manages to be super funny, yet is always saying something true.
I agree. Titles are hard. House of Thieves was once "The Barefoot Tours" and the "Minor Wars," (which I'm still stubbornly drawn to). The Descendants was once "The Inheritance of Aina" Just kidding.

Anyway, I loved his essay and he has a new novel coming out that I can't wait to read.
Model Home. Great title.
Great cover, too.

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My Dinner with Obama

As a way to cap off a swell holiday we all went to Lucy's Bar and Grill. I love it here, a good ol' reliable restaurant. It was a busy night even though we were there early. I was nice to the waitress because she seemed flustered and retarded--I mean not really retarded, but just slang retarded--like she had to ask for help to open the bottle of wine.
"I can do it," my husband and I both said at the same time, but she left.
"Oh well, we're not in a rush," I said. For some reason I was enjoying being with my family. And so we took our time.
Cut to the chase.
Obama came in. Yeah, that's right. Look.

There's Barry. There's Michelle. There's some guy using big gestures to explain something.
Secret service escorted my husband to feed our new dog, Bob, who was in the car. Um. It was kind of a very cool night. Happy New Year. If you want more details you can ask.

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Last Year's Christmas Montage

Yeah, I'm a little behind this year, so I thought I'd recycle.

I behaved at Andy's work party. There was a game where we had to guess what items were in various stockings and I was so polite and dignified that when I fondled one of the stockings I held myself back from guessing, "ball sack?" even though I swear it was.


Speaking of ball sacks, I have a question for the balloon man from the children's Christmas party at Oahu Country Club. My questions is, "Just what the fah is this supposed to be?"


We set our table this way to make us feel better about eating a cow, a pig's butt, and giving the kids cake soaked in brandy.


I have an entire dissertation outlining the reasons why this is not my favorite present given to my daughter. Point #1: The gown is not Monique L'huilliere.


Jingle Jingle mo' fo's


Christmas Morning

Mele Kalikimaka!

That's all

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I'm Thankful for Poi

I'm thankful for:

1. Anything 'Gratin'
2. Any kind of alcohol
3. Watermellon Gum
4. Hulu
5. Governor Bradford
6. Tribe Called Quest
7. Good books (currently reading Pat Conroy South of Broad)
8. The City, the Hills, Modern Family and Top Chef
9. Friends who I can be retarded in front of
10. The word, 'balls'
11. The word, "retarded'


I'm not thankful for:

1. People who call Thanksgiving 'T Day'
2. Dora books (they're all the frickin' same!)
3. Olivia Polermo, or whatever
4. Disney princess books and arguing with my daughter about what princesses can and cannot do. Daughter: "I can't wear jeans! Princesses don't wear jeans!" Me: "Yes they do! They do it off the page!" What I want to say: "Princesses suck and they're destined for a life of flower arranging and constant blowjobbing."
5. The Syntax Killa from Wasilla
6. People who don't say thank you or detect my disappointment
7. My little television
8. My little boobs
9. The cost of home (and self) improvements
10. The word, 'Genre'
11. The word, 'Nipples'

Happy Thanksgiving!

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How to Bitch Slap

Hello and welcome. Just thought I'd greet those who were led here accidentally, either because they are planning a children's party or they typed into their search engines: How do I bitch slap?
That question happens to be the most frequently keyed in phrase that leads unsuspecting wanna-be bitch slappers to my site. It's obviously from my post, 10 Reasons Why I, Charlie Gibson, Want to Bitch Slap Sarah Palin and my post, 10 People I Want to Bitch Slap that has made me sort of an authority on the B.S.
A bitch slap is an open-handed, usually benign slap that's used when one doesn't deserve an all-out pimp punch. The 'bitch" refers to the execution, not the destination. First, raise your hand, but keep your palm a little cupped. You're not slapping, you're bitch slapping, and this is slower and less dramatic than a regular slap, and yet the key elements: shock and humiliation, are oftentimes more effective than straight up pain. Bitch Slaps can also be delivered verbally or they are a way for people to describe someone getting dissed or one-upped, similar to a "ho snap," not to be confused with a "ho slap." I hope this has helped.

Here are some other quality searches that have led to my site this month:

1. WTF the Macy Xmass light are already up they better not start flashing them in the windows already. They dont usaly starrt untill thanksgiveing mother fuckers

2. pics of boobys and vachinas

3. Is there such a thing as dolpin sushi?

4.Eating Splenda makes me want to slap an Olson

5. Chrles Gibson Idiot

6. what should i do if an infant sips beer

7. Charlie Gibson head shaking

8. how to live with a retard

9. porno foil hum job

10. shorty with boobs

11. Booty Moms

12. Pottery Barn Seahorse lamp

13. how to make mescaline

14. getting all maverickey up in here

15. where can I get adderall in columbus ohio


Sorry, Searchers, that you were mislead.

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Wordless Wednesday

And here is the rest of it

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In a Flash

FIVERS: FLASH FICTION FOR THE PHONE
Edited by Andrew Foster Altschul

Here are five very short stories you can read in a flash! Featuring stories by:

Lemony Snicket, Anna North, Kaui Hart Hemmings, Joshua Furst, Andrew Foster Altschul

A little bit about the stories:

Lemony Snicket’s “Something You Ought to Know,” is a tale about the man who watches you when you sleep.

In Anna North’s “Simoom” a mother blames a family’s misfortunes on a strange wind.

In Kaui Hart Hemmings’s “Author Questionnaire” an author answers questions about a book she has written called HOW TO PARTY WITH AN INFANT.

Joshua Furst’s “Solace” follows an American traveler into a familiar fast-food chain in India.

In Andrew Foster Altschul’s “What Now?” a guy’s friend tells him a supposedly titillating story that he doesn’t find very titillating at all.

A little bit about the authors:

Lemony Snicket is responsible for a great number of upsetting books, and yet is still at large. There are only two explanations for this situation, and he is currently at work on the third. “Something You Ought to Know” also appears in Half Minute Horrors: A Collection of Instant Frights from The World's Most Astonishing Authors and Artists (www.halfminutehorrors.com).

Anna North’s fiction has appeared in the Atlantic Monthly, where it was nominated for a National Magazine Award. Her nonfiction has appeared in such publications as the San Francisco Chronicle and the SF Weekly, and she is a regular contributor to the blog Jezebel.com. She is currently working on a novel about the end of the world.

Kaui Hart Hemmings is the author of a collection of stories, House of Thieves, and a novel, The Descendants, which has been published in five other countries and is currently in development with Fox Searchlight.

Joshua Furst is the author of a novel, The Sabotage Café, and a short story collection, Short People. He lives in New York City.

Andrew Foster Altschul is the author of the novel Lady Lazarus. His short fiction and essays have appeared in Esquire, Ploughshares, McSweeney's, One Story, and anthologies such as Best New American Voices and O. Henry Prize Stories. He lives in San Francisco.

Download new short stories! Flash Fiction

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Men o' War

This article is from today's Star Bulletin. I'm leaving out the picture because it could quite possibly be the worst picture ever taken of me in the history of my life and this includes zitty teen years, passed-out-in-college beer shots, and stoned-with-high school paddling team-eating-leftovers-from-dad's-political-fundraiser pics. Girls, remember that killer low mein?

The article:

No place like home
Kaui Hart Hemmings' book "The Descendants" will be made into a movie shot in the islands

By Katherine Nichols

A central theme to anchor author Kaui Hart Hemmings' work eluded her for years. Growing up in Hawaii made her believe that writing about life in the islands would never be interesting or exciting. So she explored other possibilities, only to discover that "it wasn't my material, in the end."

She returned to what she knew best with her first published short story, "The Minor Wars," a title taken from the 10-year-old protagonist's slightly muddled interpretation of Portuguese men o' war. It grew into "The Descendants," her critically acclaimed debut novel, published by Random House in 2007. But she doesn't remember coming up with the idea. "It just started as a seed," she said in the Random House Reader's Circle. "I cared for it, and then it became something different each day."

It's evolving once again now that producer and director Alexander Payne ("Sideways," "Citizen Ruth," HBO's "Hung"), who optioned the book for his production company before it was published, decided he will direct the Fox Searchlight picture and recently visited Hawaii to scout locations on Oahu, Kauai and the Big Island. Production is slated to begin later this year or in early 2010.

"(Payne) making it his next film was huge," Hemmings said after closing her laptop computer at a local Starbucks. "He's so sweet, so nice, so easy to work with."

When Payne and other production staff came to Hawaii to meet with Hemmings, her father, legendary surfer and Hawaii state Sen. Fred Hemmings, took them canoe surfing.

"They're so eager," Kaui said of their exploration of Hawaii and its culture. "They just want to immerse themselves and jump right in."

Many authors battle the changes that inevitably take place from book to film. Will Payne preserve the authenticity -- especially in terms of portraying Hawaii accurately?

"I have no worries whatsoever," Hemmings said. "I know he'll get the tone right."

IT WILL TAKE someone of Payne's talent to capture the tenor of a story that is complex and unpredictable, acerbic and wildly humorous in places yet deeply tender and evocative in others.

The story follows Matt King, a wealthy Honolulu attorney and landowner struggling with his legacy, his two daughters, ages 10 and 17 (whose interactions with him are usually hilarious), and a beautiful, vibrant wife, Joanie, who is lying in a coma after a boat racing accident. The twist comes when Matt discovers that Joanie had been having an affair with another man before the tragedy.

Kaui also takes comfort in Payne's motivations, which revolve around characters and story rather than box office receipts and mega-celebrities. He's even talked about hosting casting calls for Hawaii residents who might fit into minor roles.

Anyone familiar with Hawaii will recognize more than a few details in the book -- notably the Outrigger Canoe Club (referred to as "The Club"), Queen's Hospital and several locations on Kauai.

"While I don't know exactly how Hawaii has shaped me, I know that it has," she said in the Random House Reader's Circle. "It's not so much a character in my novel as it is a silent force -- something that stealthily moves the characters from action to action, confining them, manipulating them, inspiring them."

Some readers claim to recognize actual people in those characters, but in fiction there's always a mercurial blend of reality and creation -- imagination filtered through the author's own experiences, she explained -- but none of it is meant to be hurtful to anyone.

"Once the pen hits the paper, it turns into fiction to me," she said. "In the end I'm just trying to tell a story, to create credible characters who jump off the page."

KAUI HART Hemmings, who, at 33, still looks as youthful as a college student, grew up in Maunawili, often paddling and surfing in her spare time. After graduating from Punahou and Colorado College, she earned her M.F.A. in creative writing from Sarah Lawrence College and became a Wallace Stegner fellow at Stanford. Because she went into the extremely competitive fellowship unpublished, she said the experience "kicked me in the butt a little bit; when you feel a little behind, it forces you to work harder." The result was "House of Thieves," a short-story collection.

She and her husband, attorney Andy Lautenbach, then settled in San Francisco, where she worked at the Writer's Grotto, a cooperative workspace for writers and filmmakers.

"In San Francisco you're surrounded by writers and support for the arts," she said. "It just keeps (the work) present and a little more urgent." But she and Lautenbach, now parents of a kindergartner, decided to move back to Oahu a couple of years ago. And she's loved every minute of it.

Currently, Kaui is working on two different novels simultaneously, writing on what she calls the "coffee shop circuit," rotating between venues in search of fresh surroundings.

But when Payne and his crew come back to town to shoot, she'll undoubtedly take a break to visit the set. And who knows? There might even be a cameo. And here is the rest of it

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Always Home and Super Cool

Kevin of Always Home and Uncool has asked me to post this as part of his effort to raise awareness in the blogosphere of juvenile myositis, a rare autoimmune disease his daughter was diagnosed with on this day seven years ago. The day also happens to be his wife's birthday.

*

Our pediatrician admitted it early on.

The rash on our 2-year-old daughter's cheeks, joints and legs was something he'd never seen before.

The next doctor wouldn't admit to not knowing.

He rattled off the names of several skins conditions -- none of them seemingly worth his time or bedside manner -- then quickly prescribed antibiotics and showed us the door.

The third doctor admitted she didn't know much.

The biopsy of the chunk of skin she had removed from our daughter's knee showed signs of an "allergic reaction" even though we had ruled out every allergy source -- obvious and otherwise -- that we could.

The fourth doctor had barely closed the door behind her when, looking at the limp blonde cherub in my lap, she admitted she had seen this before. At least one too many times before.

She brought in a gaggle of med students. She pointed out each of the physical symptoms in our daughter:

The rash across her face and temples resembling the silhouette of a butterfly.

The purple-brown spots and smears, called heliotrope, on her eyelids.

The reddish alligator-like skin, known as Gottron papules, covering the knuckles of her hands.

The onset of crippling muscle weakness in her legs and upper body.

She then had an assistant bring in a handful of pages photocopied from an old medical textbook. She handed them to my wife, whose birthday it happened to be that day.

This was her gift -- a diagnosis for her little girl.

That was seven years ago -- Oct. 2, 2002 -- the day our daughter was found to have juvenile dermatomyositis, one of a family of rare autoimmune diseases that can have debilitating and even fatal consequences when not treated quickly and effectively.

Our daughter's first year with the disease consisted of surgical procedures, intravenous infusions, staph infections, pulmonary treatments and worry. Her muscles were too weak for her to walk or swallow solid food for several months. When not in the hospital, she sat on our living room couch, propped up by pillows so she wouldn't tip over, as medicine or nourishment dripped from a bag into her body.

Our daughter, Thing 1, Megan, now age 9, remembers little of that today when she dances or sings or plays soccer. All that remain with her are scars, six to be exact, and the array of pills she takes twice a day to help keep the disease at bay.

What would have happened if it took us more than two months and four doctors before we lucked into someone who could piece all the symptoms together? I don't know.

I do know that the fourth doctor, the one who brought in others to see our daughter's condition so they could easily recognize it if they ever had the misfortune to be presented with it again, was a step toward making sure other parents also never have to find out.

That, too, is my purpose today.

It is also my birthday gift to my wife, My Love, Rhonda, for all you have done these past seven years to make others aware of juvenile myositis diseases and help find a cure for them once and for all.

To read more about children and families affected by juvenile myositis diseases, visit Cure JM Foundation

To make a tax-deductible donation toward JM research, go to First Giving or
Cure JM

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This is Where I Leave You, Jerk Chicken

A book and food pairing:



I'm betting that This is Where I Leave You by Jonathan Tropper will make my best reads of 09' list, if such a list were to exist, which it probably will because 1. I love making lists 2. Lists give the world order and 3. You don't need to compose complete sentences.
This is Where I Leave You is a novel starring Judd Foxman, a man who has just lost his job, wife, dignity and manhood, and is now forced to sit shiva for his dead father with family members he can't stand. Hilarious. It didn't have the emotional tug to make it super duper resonant for me, but I did laugh out loud, I grinned knowingly and I appreciated many sentences and sentiments. It was entertaining, drinkable and riddled with jerks. I like jerks. They always have good things to say and can enliven the characters we're supposed to care about more effectively than the characters own introspection often does. Tropper did an excellent job of cooking up some highly likable assholes, which is hard to pull off. In other words, the book made me want jerk chicken. It's not the prettiest of dishes, thanks to my version where I puree a stalk of green onions, but it's layered and feisty, bold and savory, much like the novel.
Click 'Read More' for the recipe.
and if you, too, like lists you may also enjoy:

Thanks and No Thanks
10 Reasons Why I, Charlie Gibson, Want to Bitch Slap Sarah Palin
The Beat Down Foundation Awards


1 bunch scallions, chopped (1 1/2 cups)
4 garlic cloves, chopped
1 jalapeno chile (I used 3 circles of jarred jalapenos)
4 tablespoons freshly squeezed lime juice
4 tablespoons olive oil, plus more for grates
2 tablespoon light-brown sugar
3 teaspoons ground allspice
2 teaspoon dried thyme
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
Coarse salt
8 pieces chicken (I like breasts and thighs. I'm sure you do, too)

Directions
Make marinade: In a blender combine scallions, garlic, jalapeno, lime juice, oil, sugar, allspice, thyme, cinnamon, 1 teaspoon salt, and 2 tablespoons water, soy sauce; blend until smooth. Set aside about 1/3 cup. I save a little more.
Place chicken in a shallow dish or a bag. season all over with salt. Pour marinade over chicken; toss, cover, refrigerate, turning at least 2 hours or overnight.
You can grill or bake. I like to grill it on high heat just to get the outside a little charred. Then I take it off the grill and put it in the oven at 350 for awhile, pouring some more marinade on. Garnish with lime, maybe some cilantro. I once served this with a little salad of avacado and cherry tomatoes, dolloped with sour cream and sprinkling of crushed pistachios, but it also goes well with Budweiser.

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Crack is Whack

"What Book Got You Hooked?" invites readers to share books from childhood that got them whipped. In return, they'll provide 50,000 new books to the state with the most entries.
I love this campaign, and am so excited that my state, Hawaii, is in the lead! Take that, illiteracy! With all of our libraries shutting down we could use this win.
Oh, the books of youth. There were so many that hooked me: The Story of Ferdinand (LOVED this one), all the Beatrix Potters, The Country Bunny with the Golden Shoes, Ping, Eloise, And Now We are Six, and I can't help it, but Little Black Sambo and Babar really grabbed me, in that way that racist books and films sometimes do.
Now I like the Fancy Nancy series, I love all of Jamie Lee Curtis's books, and Harold, that nut with the purple crayon, but honestly, I could care less about Dr. Seuss--so annoying. It's like he just strings nonsense together and I'm supposed to think it's "imaginative." I cough, "bullshit." Dora blows, too. So formulaic. Princess books--don't send those--you know my thoughts on them skanks. The Giving Tree is sweet, but that boy was an asshole and the tree just gave a little too much and then the back cover is like--oh shit!--with Shell Silverstein's close-up author photo looming a bit too close. Some recent hits: the 26 Princesses (one of the princesses farts and my daughter cracks up), Biscuit, the series with Katie visiting museums and whatnot with her lazy grandmother. Princesses Rule and Fanny are great ones if you want to deliver messages about the suckiness of mean girls and Bratz dolls--books like these subtly blend in lessons--kind of like pureed sweet potato tucked into pancake batter. Their next campaign is "What Drug Got you Hooked?" Oh, childhood. Good times.

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A Way Better Mother than Me

Masha Hamilton's novel, 31 HOURS, hits stands today. I thought I'd let her speak for herself about her book's themes and concerns.

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Take it away, Ms. Hamilton...

Parenting the Nearly-Grown
by Masha Hamilton

“Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book.”
Roman philosopher and orator Marcus Tullius Cicero, 106-43 B.C.

Not long after the second of my three children was born, I sat at the kitchen table late one evening talking to my dad about parental responsibility. It’s a big topic and we were covering lots of philosophical ground, but what I remember most is my pronouncement that my primary job could be boiled down quite simply and starkly: I had to keep safe these beings released into my charge. I needed to keep them alive.
These were the musings of a new parent, of course. The circumstances, too, should be considered; the first child had been born in Jerusalem during the intefadeh, and the second was born as I was reporting from Moscow during the collapse of Communism. In both situations, I repeatedly came face-to-face with life’s fragility.
But even in calmer times, even after the birth of my third child, I never lost the feeling that my main duty was to pass them on into adulthood as unscathed as possible, as healthy in every way as they could be.
It sounds pretty simple, on the face of it...
We perform many jobs as parents: nurturers, playmates, cheerleaders, short-order cooks, nurses, disciplinarians, detectives, spiritual leaders. Keeping them safe should not be the hardest, not with the help of baby monitors, plastic devices to cover electrical outlets, pads for sharp corners, child-proof medicine bottles, the list goes on.
And in fact, we passed through well, with just the usual rounds of stitches, one violent dog attack, a rabies scare and a few months when my youngest fell so often and got so many bumps on his forehead that my husband and I joked someone was surely going to call child services on us.
Now, though, my youngest is 14, and as they’ve grown, I recognize my job has been transformed. It is to give them trust and space so they can develop confidence in their ability to make their own lives. And yet the two oldest, at ages 19 and 20, are in a period of time that seems almost like a parentheses in their lives. They are certainly not children, but nor are they quite adults. Meanwhile, I say and think all the usual things parents have been saying and thinking since—well, perhaps ever since Cicero, whose words I keep taped to my office wall: it’s rougher out there than it was in my time. More chaotic. More violent. More dangerous.
And everyone is writing a book.
It was, in fact, into my latest novel, 31 Hours, that I channeled my fears. Among other things, the novel offered a chance to explore what it means to be the parent of someone on the cusp of adulthood but not yet there. The mother in 31 Hours, Carol, is strong and independent, free of empty nest syndrome, but her maternal intuition is strong and she’s concerned about her 21-year-old son’s growing emotional distance, the way he seems tense and depressed. Her fears are amorphous and hard to convey; nevertheless, as she lies awake in the dark, she decides to trust the hunch that something is wrong, and to spend the next day trying to track her son Jonas down and “mother him until he shrugs her off.”
There are many themes in the novel, but one question it asks—one pertinent to all parents and one I’m still trying to answer for myself—is this: after years of being vigilant and protecting our kids, what should we do—and what are we allowed to do—to keep them safe once they are nearly, but not quite, grown?

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Labor

"It's labor Day," I say. "I was in labor with you. Today is my day."
"As opposed to..." my husband says.
We've all been sick all weekend, sick and pathetic, quarantined in our house like lepers. Andy painted the bathroom awhile ago; it peeled, and he's been sanding it down all weekend so he can start all over. I tried to help, but I felt like the frickin' coal miner's daughter it was so dusty. "I've really married down," I said. He will not feel like a man until this damn bathroom is done. People say, you feel proud when you do it yourself, but I'd feel even more proud if I paid someone else to do it.
"What if I was in an egg and you had to sit on me?" my daughter says.
"I did, in a way. You were in my belly. And I sat and sat."
"Yeah, I remember," she says.
"Really? What was it like?"
"It was warm sometimes. And cold. It smelled like you. My finger smells like underwear."
"What? Oh my god, you need to bathe."
"I don't mind about that."
"Well, if your finger smells like underwear then you've been putting it in your underwear."
"No!"
"Have you been?"
"Just on the outside," she says. "Now hush about it already," and then she stands up and takes a bow.

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The Adderall Diaries

I have a friend named Stephen Elliott. I recently read his memoir and unbeknownst to me he does porn and was addicted to adderall. I knew he was all into S&M and was at one point addicted to heroin, but the porn thing came as a shocker as well as the speed--hello! Did you ever think to ask me if I wanted any? My novel would be done by now! And I'd never do porn, but have you seen my MILF body?! You could have at least asked!
Oh Steven, your world is so foreign to me, and yet with your memoir, The Adderall Diaries, you have crafted something scary, weird and deeply personal into something brave, riveting and deeply human. This was one of the best books I've ever read and I hope everyone will read it, too. I offered to have a reading at my house and noticed I'm not on the tour schedule below. Suckin' Hawaii--so out of the way. Can't we tempt you with hula in leather grass skirts?

Anyway. Read this book. And if you make less than $25,000 you can request a free galley copy of The Adderall Diaries. Please only request one if you make less than $25,000 a year. Students encouraged. Send an email to adderall@therumpus.net.
Click "Read More" to see book tour dates.

All events are at 7pm unless otherwise stated.

San Francisco, September 15, Booksmith on Haight Street
Portland, September 17, Powell’s City of Books on Burnside
Seattle, September 18, Elliott Bay
Naperville, Il, September 20
Lincoln, Nebraska, Septebember 21, Clawfoot House
Austin, Texas, September 22, with Doug Dorst. The residence of Tyson Midkiff, 2903 Westhill Drive
Los Angeles, September 24, Skylight Books
San Francisco, September 29, with Tao Lin, Amnesia, 853 Valencia
Columbus, Ohio, October 1, Ohio State University Creative Writing Department
Boston, October 4, Grub Street, Writing From Experience class. 9a.m.
Boston, October 4, 6pm, Brookline Booksmith
Fayetville, Arkansas, October 6, University of Arkansas creative writing department
New York, NY, October 7, Happy Ending reading series, Joes Pub
Brooklyn, NY, October 8, East Coast Book Release Party hosted by N+1, Bookcourt, 163 Court Street, (718) 875-3677
New York, NY, October 11, Crosing The Line, panel with Terese Svoboda, Idlewild Books, 12 w. 19th St
San Francisco, October 20, 6pm class: Writing From Experience
Richmond, Virginia, October 22
Richmond, Virginia, October 23
Charlotesville, Virginia, October 24, Writer House
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl, October 26
Orlando, Fl, October 27
Ann Arbor, MI, October 29, 826 Michigan
New York, NY, November 11, Mixer Reading Series
Bethel Connecticut, November 13, Molten Java
Hudson, NY, November 14, with Daniel Nester
New Paltz, NY, November 15
Astoria, NY, November 16

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Little E

A picture of my daughter drawn by Stephanie at Stephanie's Comic a Day

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Sober Statehood

Hawaii’s taking such a sober approach to commemorating statehood. No parades and fireworks! No hula shows or festivals! I understand that from an economic stand point. Can't lay off a grip of state employees then shoot off aerial repeaters and Catherine Wheels. And I've never liked parades or people who like parades. You just stand there like a sniper while people wave at you with frozen expressions. So I guess this birthday party is being kept low-key, a benchmark upon which to sit and reflect upon our painful history. Governor Lingle and her committee will try to avoid any annexation angst by having a day-long dialogue, most likely filled with under the table texting and tear-inducing yawns.

What is everyone else up to?

Honolulu Weekly is doing a nuts-and-bolts piece on the Akaka bill. @redunk24 is having a nude Twister party. Open invite. Marriott Hotels is having a “Tweet Yourself to Hawaii” contest while the local Kumu Kahua theater is putting on “The Statehood Project,” plays and monologues that I assume will dramatize the overthrow of the monarchy and other cultural expolits.
Stores will have statehood sales, hotels will have hokey luaus. Tutu will probably wear her Statehood Muu’muu and want to order a pizza,
maybe while Hawaiian activists are trying to overtake Iolani Palace (though if there was still a monarchy they um, probably wouldn't be allowed on palace grounds let alone be able to protest.)
It’s a state holiday so masses will be surfing incoming hurricane swells while tourists roast on the beaches like rotisserie chickens. People will BYOB in the park, pick up food (Sweet Home Waimanalo rules), watch the sunset from their lanais, play ukulele, play Wii. Perhaps those at dinner parties will talk about the Birthers, our pasts, politics and identity, but most likely they’ll talk about the weather, the Fall T.V lineup, and so-and-so’s Facebook status.

Whatever happens, I don’t think the people will maintain the same level of sobriety as the governments’. It’s Aloha Friday, after all, and people in Hawaii love to party! So have at it! Don't feel guilty! Celebrate our inclusion and also our exclusion, our pride and our angst. Celebrate our food, sports and culture, music,our poke, Primo, Spam, weed, and our best export, Barack Obama. I’d like to think that through him and through our history our lil' state has given the rest of the country a glimpse of not only what America can be, but what America already is. We’re used to the whole multiethnicmulticultural thing. We’re used to mixed marriages and a nonwhite majority and popular non-nerdy Asians. We're kind of just waiting for everyone else to catch up—based on the fact that one in ten Americans don’t believe Obama was born in the United States, this may take awhile, but whatevs. We're on Hawaiian time and can wait. In the mean time we'll raise a glass.

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Good News

From The Honolulu Advertiser:

Hawaii lands film based on Isle novel
Kama'aina author pleased; work on 'Descendants' will begin early next year

By Greg Wiles
Advertiser Staff Writer

Alexander Payne, the director of "Sideways," is to start filming Kaui Hart Hemmings' "The Descendants in Hawai'i by early 2010, in what's said to be a significant boost for the state's film industry.



Payne is currently polishing a screenplay adapted from Hemmings' acclaimed novel set in contemporary Hawai'i, with filming to be done on O'ahu, Kaua'i and the Big Island, Hemmings said.

"I'm so thrilled they picked him," said Hemmings, an O'ahu resident.

"I love the way he captures place and trust him with Hawai'i."

Hemmings optioned her book to Fox Searchlight, a production company and distributor that previously worked with Payne on "Sideways" and has produced such movies as "Little Miss Sunshine," "I Heart Huckabees" and "Napoleon Dynamite." It was the U.S. distributor for "Slumdog Millionaire."

"The Descendants" will be Payne's first directorial work since "Sideways," according to show-biz newspaper Variety, which reported on plans for the film earlier this week. A spokeswoman for Fox Searchlight did not return a call yesterday inquiring about the picture.

Hemmings, who grew up in Hawai'i and is the stepdaughter of state Sen. Fred Hemmings, garnered critical praise for her 320-page novel that revolves around attorney Matt King, the scion of a kama'aina family.

The book — published by Random House — follows King, a descendant of missionaries and royalty, as he struggles with issues surrounding family, infidelity, death and selling expansive land holdings.

A New York Times reviewer observed that Hemmings' "comic sense is finely honed in this refreshingly wry debut novel."

Hemmings said no one had been selected for the title role, and that Fox Searchlight is hoping to cast a few of the characters from Hawai'i.

Hawai'i Film Commissioner Donne Dawson said the project is welcome news, given the caliber of people involved. Payne won an Oscar for his screenwriting on "Sideways" and was nominated for an Academy Award for directing the picture. He also was director of 1999's "Election" and 2002's "About Schmidt."

It "really bodes well for our industry," said Dawson, adding that it was a coup for the state to have a Fox Searchlight production here.

"It's really good news for the state."

Dawson said her office is in talks with 10 other productions interested in coming here, ranging from feature films to television shows and national television commercials.

She said the productions would be significant in terms of their spending and talent involved.

The increased interest in Hawai'i productions comes as the state considers laying off most of the film office's staff to deal with a yawning budget deficit.

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Summer Fiction

L Magazine's Annual Summer Fiction Issue is out. I'm such a fan of Ron Carlson and I'm honored that my story is in his company...

Click to read Repossession Man

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Family Legacy

On Friday my grandmother was in the Honolulu Advertiser in an article about vintage Hawaiian fashions. She stands in front of Mount Olomana at her Maunawili home and the caption reads: Eleanor Pence, 96, models her silk statehood mu'umu'u.

Coincidence: I happen to be in Friday's paper as well, in an article about people worth following on Twitter with a picture of me and my daughter at my grandmother's Maunawili home. My caption reads: One good tweet: Every time someone watches the Bachelorette an angel gets gonorrhea. click to enlarge.

I just wanted to take this time to apologize to my grandmother and to the generations before me.

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A Drinking Game for the White House Beer Summit

I thought the threesome could use a little drinking game to dispel any awkward moments. My biggest worry: what will everyone wear?
Game on:

1. Every time Gates and Obama reference something Crowley doesn't understand Crowley has to drink then take a lap around the picnic table in handcuffs.

2. Every time Gates says something Crowley interprets as arrogant Gates has to drink then watch an episode of NYC Prep.

3. Every time Obama says, "teachable moment" he has to shotgun his Budweiser then burp out Palin's resignation speech.

4. Every time Crowley says, "Beer me" Gates has to drink then shake his head and mutter, "fatuous cracker."

5. I'm assuming that during the picnic "Fuck the Police" will be playing on the sound system. If such is the case, every time the song says, "Police" everyone has to drink while dancing in imitation of Obama on the Ellen show.

6. Every time Gates says that he doesn't imbibe he has to sip from a 40 ounce with his pinky in the air then re-rap N.W.A in a grammatically correct fashion, e.g,
Comin straight from the underground/Coming straight from the underground
Fuck that shit, cuz I ain't tha one/Fuck that shit because I am not the one
To be beatin on, and throwin in jail/To be beating on and throwing in jail

7. Every time Crowley and Gates say, "That's not what happened and you know it, bitch," they have to take three shots of Patron then reenact exactly what happened with Gates playing the role of Crowley and vice versa. Malia and Michelle will be allowed to watch, but not Sasha or the Grandmother.

8. If Michelle looks at her watch or says, "I think it's time to wrap things up," Obama has to drink then hold up the handcuffs.

9. Every time Crowley tries to text or speak into his walkie talkie he has to drink then suffer a beat down because the number one rule of Beer Summit is you do not talk about Beer Summit.

10. YOUR SUGGESTION?


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10 Lame Claims to Fame

Twitter just wasn't the right medium for my numerous claims.

1. Went to McVie's house (of Fleetwood Mac.) He had my book and thought it impressive that I wrote one. I said, "Yeah, the whole band thing you did was impressive, too."

2. Met Tom Selleck at Outrigger Canoe Club. He knew my mom so I stood there while they exchanged pleasantries. I was 16 at the time, on acid and tripping balls. Kept staring at his mustache while the Magnum P.I song went through my head.

3. Another incident at Outrigger. 4th of July--coming in off the boats where we drank beer all day. I stumbled up the beach, turned and there was Signourey Weaver. "I love you," I said and have regretted it ever since.

4. My dad was outsurfed by Tony the Tiger in a Frosted Flakes commercial.
(Isn't this pic with Tony and the boy a little perv-y)

5. Had to explain to my mom in front of Shannon Sharp that the expression is "The Shit" not "Shitty."

6. I've been talking distance to Hurley, Kate, Matt Fox and Daniel Day Kim, but the only think I can think of to say is, "Are you lost?"

7. Matt Fox's kids were at the playground when I was there w/ my daughter and I said, "Oh look, go play with that boy" then pushed her in his direction then I sat down and pretended to be charmed by children and hoped Matt would want to set up a play date.

8. Had Heather Locklear's bathrobe and Richie Sambora's guitar. My mom was their realtor and he asked if she could "hold it for him." I said I'd hold it, I'd hold it real good.

9. I was in the play 'Annie' with Sarah Callies from Prison Break. I was Annie. She was Mrs. Grace. Now I'm here. And she's on Prison Break.

10. When I was ten-ish (?) my neighbors were Imelda and Ferdinand Marcos. I'd walk by their house to see if I'd be invited in for tea and once I thought I heard them having sex, but it was a peacock.

For more Lame Claims go here to Twitter

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10 Alternatives to My Day Job

Lauren Conrad is a best-selling author.
Should I:
1. Pour Bailey's into my coffee and call it a day?
2. Buy over-sized sunglasses and text madly?
3. Get a new job? Like, a pig hunter? or an activist? Or, I've always wanted to work with the retarded
4. Try to trophywifeasize myself?
5. Stuff my bra with mangoes and call it a day?
6. Jazzercise?
7. Write a script for a female version of Old School?
8. Write a young adult novel (already working on it)
9. Stop blogging, facebooking, twittering and watching bad movies like "He's Really Just Not That Into You"? Dialogue seriously sucky
10. Link to my novel and hope for the best?

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Trouble

My review of "Trouble" by Kate Christensen was in Sunday's New York Times. It's a tough thing, I think, to critique another author, especially when your review isn't particularly favorable, but then again review, discussion, scrutiny--it's all a part of writing, reading and loving books. I encourage everyone to read 'Trouble' Tell me what you think of it.

Here's the review...

Misery Loves Company
By KAUI HART HEMMINGS
Published: July 3, 2009

Writers love trouble. The mess of life is their sustenance. Conflict, discord, snags and hitches are the tools of suspense, hooking and then dragging readers through the currents and silt of narratives. Good for Kate Christensen, then, who has given her characters enough trouble to fill a book — in this case, “Trouble,” a terse and tough little novel about two friends in their 40s: Josie, a Manhattan therapist resolved to end her lackluster marriage, and Raquel, a Los Angeles rock star and former heroin addict whose fame is rapidly dwindling.

We first see Josie at a party in a friend’s Upper West Side apartment, flirting with a man she has just met. Christensen doesn’t bother with the formalities of introductions, explanations or back stories; instead, she plops us in the center of the action. This authorial abandonment is thrilling, the scene inclusive, charged and immediately propulsive. While Josie is flirting, she sees her reflection in a mirror across the room and suddenly realizes that her marriage is over. “My heart stopped beating. I almost heard it squeak as it constricted with fear, and then it resumed its steady rhythm and life went on, as it usually does.”

Except that for Josie it doesn’t, not as usual. Because after this momentous glance at herself, Josie drastically changes the rhythm of her life — not only by acknowledging the end of her marriage, but by stopping at a bar on her way home and leaving with a stranger for a brief, steamy encounter: “I crawled down his body and unzipped his jeans,” she says, and it goes on from there. Josie then continues home, where she tells her husband and 13-year-old daughter that she wants a separation and will be moving out. Meanwhile, she learns that her famous friend, Raquel — “as tiny and fragile, but also as tough, as a wicker basket” — is involved in a scandal with an actor half her age and is being maligned by a feisty celebrity blogger. Raquel persuades Josie to flee with her to Mexico City, where they can get away from it all while rediscovering themselves and their passions. “We’ll drink tequila and go dancing and breathe pollution,” Raquel says. “And eat chorizo tacos. . . . We’ll be Thelmita and Luisa!”

In the first part of this three-part book, there is enough mess to power a flight, and the reader prepares for a transformative passage into a new world. We brace ourselves for unforgettable characters like the ones Christensen created in her much lauded novels “The Epicure’s Lament” and “The Great Man.” With the groundwork she lays — ruined mar riages, bruised careers, dismantled women searching for repair and a little romance — a physical and emotional crossing seems inevitable, with trouble surely along for the ride. But no. Not so much...In fact, from the beginning things are remarkably smooth. Josie’s family reacts to her desertion with succinct and civilized aplomb. Here’s her daughter: “Um, Mom? . . . You don’t have to do the whole shrink thing. I know it’s not my fault. How could it be? It’s your marriage, and I’m just a kid.” And her husband: “I’ll help you in any way I can, of course. But I suppose you’ve figured it all out already, down to the last stick of furniture. . . . I always loved that expression, ‘stick of furniture.’ So Victorian.” He is then treated to hand-holding, light banter and a few last hurrahs in bed, enabling Josie, before takeoff, to leave most of her baggage behind.

The second part of the novel is set in a vibrant Mexico City, where Josie and Raquel reunite and take turns voicing their woes. Josie complains about her marriage: “He just completely let me go.” Raquel complains about her split with the actor: “My heart is broken now, along with everything else. That kid. He has everyone in the world rooting for him, and I’m the evil seductress. They’re all so hard on women in Hollywood.” Slight variations on these two tunes repeat while Christensen presents a lengthy montage of the women visiting museums, cathedrals and galleries; eating chorizo tacos; drinking tequila and mescal; listening to local music; and having conversations with the locals about Mexican art, politics and corruption.

While I didn’t expect a Ridley Scott adventure tale here, I suppose I didn’t foresee such ease and emotional levelness, or such a profusion of sightseeing. Through it all, meanwhile, Josie cultivates her newfound sexual appetite like a horny teen ager. When she and Raquel befriend a one-armed local artist named David, a “flash of attraction” strikes Josie out of nowhere. Then she meets Felipe. “Was I attracted to him? I wondered. I wasn’t in the habit of being attracted to men anymore. With an electric tingle, I was aware of long-unused nerves and neurons shaking themselves awake, wide-awake, zingingly awake.” This from a married woman who longed to pleasure someone she met at a party, did pleasure someone she met at a bar, treated her husband to a round of break-up sex, and was instantly attracted to David and Felipe. She claims her dalliance with Felipe is “so unlike me, so not married and not professional and not mature and not sober,” yet her actions make it difficult to credit this psychological and sexual awakening. Josie is so awake from the onset that she would make Kate Chopin proud. Indeed, there are moments when Josie is strikingly similar to Edna Pontellier, the heroine of Chopin’s “Awakening” — as when she states that she’s “going toward life, away from numbed stasis and paralyzed discontent.” But Edna’s discontent was painstakingly drawn, her obstacles complex and riveting, and the consequences of her choices profound and derailing.

There aren’t any obstacles in “Trouble.” I suppose the main line of suspense is whether Josie will form a relationship with Felipe, and whether her rapture will blind her to her friend’s possible relapse. Blink and you’ll miss Raquel’s downward spiral. Josie certainly does. Yet despite some cursory devastation, things more or less work out in the end.

Readers love trouble, too, and “Trouble” doesn’t have enough of it. The best part of this novel comes early on, when Josie is treating various patients while ruminating over her own problems. This is before she talks with her husband and before she knows what she’s going to do with her life. The writing at this point is sharp, clear and often hilarious. Christensen sweeps us through a cast of perfectly delineated neurotic patients in treatment with their distracted, hung-over and anxious therapist. Josie’s adventure with Raquel lacks these interactions with characters who bring out the conflicted protagonist in ways no exotic city ever could. And while at times the women’s friendship is illuminated by Mexico City, all sense of urgency disappears once they are there. Over the border, the tension of the novel is forsaken, and it becomes little more than a travelogue, reducing particular lives to anonymous dots. For a writer, that’s real trouble.

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Thanks, Kappas!

Some fine ladies from Kappa Kappa Gamma book club took me to lunch yesterday. I love going to book clubs--the fact that you're not up at a podium--you're sitting amongst people slurping on egg drop soup and such--makes people ask normal questions. When you're at a reading they typically ask questions to make them sound good, make you uncomfortable, or embarrass the shit out of you. So lunch was intimate and casual, relaxed. One woman, when discussing the relationship in The Descendants, told me she didn't like her marriage or her husband. Hmmm. Perfect conversation over the Buddhist's Delight at P.F Chang's. It was probably the only time I've ever hung out with sorority girls, but these were sorority women, all above 50, so it doesn't really count. In college I was roomates with one. Couldn't stand her until she confessed she had a stealing problem and had given her cousin (who was super American Psycho-ish) a blow job. Then I liked her immensely 'cause it gave her a fucked up dimension. I'm pretty forgiving. I like people with issues.
I was excited that none of the members of the book club asked me how I could write from the point of view of a man. I have never not been asked this question and I have a feeling male writers don't get it at all when they write about women. People have given me unmerited compliments for getting inside a man's head. Here's a secret. I'm not talented--men just aren't that complicated. They need two things in life. Can you guess what they are?

Bonus Material:
On the Job Humiliations
The Black List
Will Write For Boobs
Beer and Vagina

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Who's Bad?

When I was twelve-years-old my friends and I used to have car washes to raise money for beer, but if customers asked we'd say it was for sodas or for children with leprosy or whatever. We ran a pretty tight ship. Only one customer sticks out this entire time. He was an older guy, which probably meant he was around thirty-five. He wasn't in the standard Kahala Avenue uniform (exercise clothes), didn't drive the standard Kavenue car (Mercedes for adults, Cabriolets for the kids) and didn't possess the typical surf or Jazzercise-sculpted bod. But by God, the man loved Michael Jackson. While we washed his rims he blared Man in the Mirror, exalting upon Michael's voice, his style, his ESSENCE. I thought he was going to jizz in his pants. I love that album now, love Off the Wall, LOVE the Jackson Five, but at that time (86'?) it was getting uncool to like Michael Jackson--we preferred The Cure, INXS, Eurasure, Oingo Boingo, Bob Marley, Black Uhuru, Yelloman, but whatever--we got it. We liked it. We danced and washed. He moonwalked. Someone grabbed their crotch and said "Ow." We popped, rinsed and polished. It was a beautiful afternoon--we had just got back from surfing, we were together dancing and on our way toward a twelve pack. Ahh, good times, fond memories...until the man asked if we'd also wash his body. Record...scratch. Who's bad? Dun, dun, dun, dun, whapsha.

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Dolphins, Sushi, Sawyer! and me

Conde Nast's July issue is all about Hawaii. It's a great insider's guide, pointing out the usual popular spots as well as those off the grid. They've asked "famous" locals with Hawaii connections their favorite places/things to do. I use quotes around famous because I'm in it, too, and if I had a reality show it would be called My Life on the Z List. I liked reading through people's choices and suggestions not just because no matter how long you've lived in one place there are always new things to discover, but becasue you learn something new about the suggestors themselves. Who would have thought Carrie Ann Inaba's fave place is Molokai's Kalaupapa National Historical Park, where Father Damien DeVeuster cared for quarantined Hawaiians suffering from leprosy? I'd give an arm and a leg to go there.
And who would have thought Josh Holloway (Sawyer on Lost) likes to swim with the dolphins in the wild? He says: "Dolphin Excursions will take you out into the calm waters of the island's west side, where you'll be able to swim with pods as they play in shallow bays." He also likes Sushi Sasabune in Honolulu, which is so weird because when they asked me my favorite thing to do, it was to watch Sawyer ride on a dolphin in the calm waters of the island's west side while eating a tuna roll from Sasabune!
Ah, jokes...Here's what I really said...


Our Hawaii: Famous Locals on What They Love Most

Paul Theroux
Author, Ghost Train to the Eastern Star (lives on Oahu) "My favorite spot in Hawaii is Waimea Bay, on the North Shore of Oahu. In the summer it's sunny and calm, with limpid water and hardly even the lap of waves. In the winter, huge surf rolls in-I have seen 40-foot waves, some of them ridden by big-wave surfers. There are cliffs all around the bay, and at the back of it the large and various botanical garden of Waimea Valley. This whole area was prized by Hawaiians for its sacredness and fertility."

Steve Case
Founder of AOL (raised in Honolulu)
"Rather than pick one thing, I thought I would do a Steve's Top 10 (in no particular order) of my favorite places and activities in Hawaii:
1. Jumping off cliffs at Oahu's Waimea Bay [61-031 Kamehameha Hwy.] and at Kauai's Shipwreck Beach [near the Hyatt in Poipu].
2. Mountain tubing in the backcountry of Kauai [Kauai Back Country Adventures; 808-245-2506; kauaibackcountry.com; tubing adventure, $104].
3. Sunbathing at Malaekahana Beach Park on Oahu [entrance 0.5 miles north of Laie on Kamehameha Hwy.].
4. Eating shaved ice at Waiola's on Oahu.
5. Hiking up Kauai's Maha'ulepu coast.
6. Zip-lining down the mountains at Kapalua, on Maui [Kapalua Adventure, 808-665-4386; kapalua.com/adventures; zip-line tour, $149-$299].
7. Eating a cheeseburger at Kua Aina on Oahu's North Shore [66-160 Kamehameha Hwy.; 808-637-6067; entrées, $7-$10].
8. Bodysurfing at Oahu's Makapuu Beach Park [41-095 Kalanianaole Hwy.]. 9. Having a family picnic at Oahu's Ala Moana Beach Park [1201 Ala Moana Blvd.].
10. Watching the sunrise at Maui's Haleakela and then biking down the mountain [Haleakala Bike Co.; 808-575-9575; bikemaui.com; bike tour, $115]."

Bryan Clay
Decathlete (raised on Oahu)
"My favorite restaurant in Honolulu is Ryan's Grill at Ward Center. It has great food, a nice casual atmosphere, and is very kid-friendly [1200 Ala Moana Blvd., second fl.; 808-591-9132; entrées, $16-$24]. My favorite fast-food place is Zippy's—the chili and rice here can't be beat [multiple locations; zippys.com]."

Kaui Hart Hemmings
Author, The Descendants (raised on Oahu)
"I wouldn't normally want to bring attention to Kailua, my town, but Obama's visits have shaken it awake. It's a small beach community on the windward side of Oahu—people are drawn to the slowness, the warmth. Some of my favorite places here include Lucy's Grill 'N Bar, a cool neighborhood restaurant with a terrific spin on local food [33 Aulike St.; 808-230-8188; entrées, $13-$31], and Kalapawai Cafe and Deli, a quaint beach shack with ambitious culinary aspirations. The menu is seasonal, and they try to use local and organic produce whenever possible [750 Kailua Rd.; 808-262-3354]. I also love Morning Brew. This coffee shop is basically my office, and it's a great place to see the many faces of Kailua—yoga moms, young professionals, intellectuals, slackers, philanthropists, the cast of Lost [600 Kailua Rd., No. 200; 808-262-7770; entrées, $2-$6]. All three of these places embody the spirit of Kailua."

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Father's Day Jousting, Tributes and Vignettes

Export Yourself
That's So Punk Rock
Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Vagina
Happy Father's Day, Beavis
Weekend in Vignettes
Why Can't Men Say, "Ow"

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Winner of the Week

I had some fun nights out this week, celebrating Andy's return. He was working on a trial on Maui for eight weeks and has yet to sleep in our new house for a week straight.
Went to Kalapawai one night. This place is my frenemy. I have had some good meals here, but the atmosphere sometimes irritates me. I wolfed down my olive oil poached salmon only to realize I didn't like it so much. If you're going to poach something in olive olive oil maybe skip the teppenade and the raw onion. A friend joined us--she had the same thing--and much to her dismay I will share the conversation we had the next day:
Me: "Did you like that dinner? It kind of didn't sit well or--"
Her: "I know! It made my crotch smell!"
Me: "Um...I was just going to say that it left a bad taste in my mouth...but ah...that's interesting."
(She laughs uncontrollably)
Me: "I'm so going to write this."
Her: "Don't you dare! I'm never speaking around you again!"

After dinner we went to Yogurt Mama for desert--fed five of us for one desert at the restaurant.

Went to Buzz's Steakhouse on Thursday--just the three of us. It was great to be there--the whole point of the place is the place itself--a little shack across the street from Kailua beach. Actually the point used to be (for me at least) simple, consistently good fresh fish, but I haven't had that there in awhile. Unfortunately the hamachi was thin and blah, the bok choi flavorless. Went to Lucy's for desert--an awesome coconut custard cake and a glass of Merlot. Sideways did horrible things for Merlot, but I love it.

Last night we went with friends and all the kids to Sweet Home Waimanalo, a new joint specializing in slow-smoked BBQ. The place is super cute without being granny and mousy and the menu is creative and playful without sacricing great taste. Take the sides, for instance: Bok Choi cole slaw, slow-cooked beans, salad made from local Waimanalo produce, and purple Okinawan Sweet Potato Salad. You also get cornbread, rice and a choice of homemade BBQ sauces — Guava Chipotle, Honey-Mustard or Beer BQ.
The reason I'm being a little more detailed is because this place was the clear winner of all the local spots we frequented this week, and as a bonus my smoked fish was $7 compared to Kalapawai's and Buzz's 25 dollar entree. It was by far the most satisfying. Everyone was thrilled, intoxicated by the deliciousness of it all, or maybe just plain drunk (a friend was trying to get his wife drunk so she'd clean).

I think I'm going to start doing this more often: pick winners of the week from the places we happen by. I'm sure you all just can't wait.


Full Review of Sweet Home Waimanalo
Mani/Pedi Guilt
Dining with Shorty

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Pimping My Wares

I'm headed to my high school tonight to try and sell some copies of The Descendants, my sorry novel that needs all the help it can get.
It should be fun--books and art by Punahou alumni, music, food, beer, seeing popular kids going saggy and bald. I wish that other alum author was going to be there. What's his name? Oh yeah, Barack Obama. I guess he's kind of busy with the kids, the world, and Bo. Did I mention that I had a Portugese Water dog? Jeez, Barry--we really do have a lot in common. We are both Random House authors, we both had our diplomas handed to us by Dr. McPhee, we both smoked pot in high school. We both love Kailua and have so much going on in our lives. We both...um...like basketball. Call me! Or whatever. I'm super busy.

Here's the info: Wednesday, June 10, 5:00 p.m. – 8:00 p.m.
Mamiya Science Center
Art Exhibit, Literary Arts Fair, Food and Beverage Stations and Hawaiian music.

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